34 and feeling it

Well that’s it. I’m 34 folks. As of yesterday I can no longer really say I’m in my early thirties. And no matter how hard I try I can definitely not pull off being in my twenties, which is a shame really because in my head I’m still a party girl. It’s just my organs have kind of given up.

I had intended on writing this post much earlier today except I woke up at 4pm. That’s because I had three gins last night. Yes, you read correctly, three. One for every decade I’ve been on this earth and that meant I could not wake up at a reasonable hour. That is why I rarely drink any more.

I think the real reason for that is the shit show that 2020 has been for me in terms of my health, let alone what’s going on in the world. I thought I’d use this first post to reflect upon the past year and it’s ups and downs. A shit show summary if you will.

2020 started off alright. There was this looming rumour of a virus coming from China but we were safe because it was all the way in China. I think everyone forgot about cheap air fares for a second and let their guard down.

People started to get sick. And by sick I mean they either had a little cough and felt a bit under the weather or they died. And as a doctor I saw both sides of it. The ‘lockdown’ began and everyone was terrified of other folk. There was no toilet roll on the shelves. I heard people were building bunkers out of loo roll in their basements to ward the virus off. But then it started to get a bit better and the country opened up little by little. And a little by little too bloody soon if you ask me because we are in a worse mess now but I’ll get to that later.

Anyway while this was going on everyone had their own things going on. You know ‘we all go a little mad sometimes.’ My madness showed itself in neon lights, flashing things and reproductions of old music videos. If I didn’t already have a psychiatric diagnosis you’d think I was barking. But I do. So, you know, it’s fine. She’s just the girl with bipolar. If you haven’t seen my Freddie Mercury, you really should. It’s quite the show.

I also created life. Yes. I, Michelle **** became God. I’d taken on the task of feeding a hedgehog in the garden and literally this week I saw there were three in there. I don’t think that’s grandiosity. I think that’s a holy miracle! They’re an endangered species and half of them live in my back garden. I’ve also been tending to two foxes. One of which has a cataract and the other hasn’t. That’s how I can tell them apart. Winky Willy (girl) and the one with a willy (boy). I’ll be sad to leave them when Adam and I move to our first bought home together in the next few weeks. Hopefully the new residents will continue the role of zoo keepers.

This year, I’ve also become a crazy cat lady. I’ve gained three cats. Violet the chonker or ‘Fat head’ as she’s affectionately known in house joined us in December followed by Licky Lily and Bobby no Bollocks in August. Violets the best but don’t tell the others. We will be taking these animals with us to the new zoo. Sorry home.

So the main reason I decided to start this blog is because I used to blog when I was travelling but because of the Covid restrictions, I’ve been unable to go anywhere. I’ve had Berlin cancelled twice and Indonesia cancelled this year where I was going to Komodo island and Sumatra where I would have usually done a travel blog, as when I’m on my own I often get nervous and therefore into a bit of trouble which ends up being funny and the best way of getting that across is by writing it down. The thing that triggered me doing this was that I was in Tesco the other day browsing the bargain bin, the sexiest aisle, wearing my Gizmo mask, when a gentleman asked me something that I inevitably didn’t hear. I said sorry what. And he said ‘I just asked if you were ok.’ I immediately thought I must have had toilet roll hanging out of my pants or something but said ‘yes, do I know you’ and he said ‘no but I thought it would be nice to get to know you.’ Well, this was it. I didn’t know what to do. He’d gone in for the supermarket sweep. I was cornered. There was nobody around. I didn’t have a get out clause. So I answered a couple of questions but deliberately appeared uninterested and as soon as I could slipped in I had a boyfriend. That question happened to be ‘what do you do on your days off,’ ‘well me and my boyfriend go for meals and that.’ He wished me good luck and I was just thankful I hadn’t trumped with fear (my cat does that) and that I had a giant gremlin covering the red flush on my face!

Anyway so back to this year. I’ve had some pretty crappy news this year in that I kept turning up for work and everyone thought I was drunk. I was slurring and stumbling all over. Well, as stated earlier, I don’t drink, so we finally figured out I don’t make many of my own natural steroids. Which explains a lot of the symptoms I have had for the past few years. So I’m now steroid dependent and have to carry round and injection just in case and a medic alert bracelet etc etc but we still aren’t sure why it’s happened. So the tests are on going. As of this week they think it’s my pituitary gland in my brain not working and it’s not been working for so long that my adrenal glands near my kidneys have just given up waiting for the signals from it that they’ve just shrivelled up and stopped working. Remember when I saw that Sri Lankan doctor after my massage who told me I was fat with dry skin after feeling my pulse? Didn’t tell me any of that did he?! I might put a complaint in to the Sri Lankan medical council!

So yeah it was my birthday yesterday and I e had a meal booked and paid for at a nice restaurant but of course lockdown the sequel happened thanks to BoJo the Clown. I’m just kidding. I can’t blame one man for ruining my birthday. Except The Batman. Again just joking. Adam keeps shouting at me for putting in the ‘The.’