Czech out Slovakia

And she’s back. My first solo trip for years and it’s a short one. Bratislava for one night. Why did I choose here? The flights were cheap and I haven’t been. So you get to join me on my short journey! Lucky you.

I barely slept, as is usually the case when I know I have to be up in the morning but I had a couple of hours. I was driving to the airport and being the unsocial hours butterfly that I am, I forgot that traffic happens in the morning, so I’d allowed myself around half an hour travel time and when I switched Waze on and it said an hour and 5 mins I did nearly shit myself. All good though, in true Brit spirit (no I didn’t suddenly become a fan of St. George) I kept calm and carried on. I arrived at the airport in reasonable time and parked at the Crowe Plaza which was super easy and a five min walk from the terminal. I was expecting there to be a bit of a shit show because today Terminal 1’s entrance becomes Terminal 3’s entrance or something. It was fine though.

Had a little sausage butty in Costa to get me going and made a friend who was going to Madeira. Now I want to check that out too.

Take off went without a hitch. They even put me in extra legroom that I hadn’t paid for. Jurassic Park!!! I was quite tired due to the lack of sleep and so my plan of reading was out the window but I was kept entertained by the toilet leak mystery up ahead while listening to Ghostbusters. Is it ectoplasm? She does look a bit like the secretary come to think of it

I learned a whole new language in the queue for passport control. Well, actually maybe it was English but the amount of f-bombs made it very difficult to tell. Then I heard the most ludicrous thing I think I’ve ever heard in my life and I’ve heard some shite. I know there are a lot of untrusting people at the moment. People who are antivax, anti government, anti LGBTQIA, anti religion but genuinely have never heard this one- electric cars are all about control! Thank God for Botox — my shocked face wouldn’t have matched my passport photo, and I’d still be stuck at border control.

Alas, I did match the picture and got through control. Managed to get myself on the 61 bus with a ticket purchased on the app (get me) and got to the next stop to then transfer to the tram. Truth be told, this trip was actually about the world record for the highest number of modes of transport used in one day. That made four. The helicopter was next.

A quick two min walk after the tram and I made it to the hotel. Basic, one plug, nowhere near the bed. It’ll do for one night. I resisted the urge to sleep, which was a huge deal for me, and headed out for a jaunt around the old town. It’s incredibly beautiful. Small, but lovely. Lots of architectural gems and you could sort of see most of it within 30 mins. Either that or I’ve missed half the city.

I was getting hungry then so I had some food and then decided to go on my next little walk to the UFO, which is a 360 observation deck. By this point it was dark and I won’t lie the walk there I did feel a little uneasy as you had to walk under the bridges and it was quite dead. It was worth it though. The view from the deck was amazing and even without all the lovely pictures that I took of the view, the pictures I took of myself were even better. I was actually laughing to myself, looking like a lone, lunatic at the top while I was taking them.

I went inside for a cocktail. My hair remained the way it was when I came back through the door and I was unapologetic about it. It had been a long day.

One last surprise before I left and then I got a taxi home and practiced my Slovak. She didn’t understand me. Never mind. I finished the night watching the Simpsons, the only way I could due to the plug situation. Not quite an 80 inch QLED but I was thanking my stars for burner phones that night!

I slept like a log. Probably for a bit too long. Woke up at 11am. Check out was noon but I wanted to be up and about so I jumped in the shower, which looked like my nans shower in the 80s and then got a taxi up to the castle. I wasn’t ruining the day by starting with a hill walk. I’d already read reviews that had said don’t bother paying to go inside so I just walked around the grounds. The view of the city was great except I saw the saddest thing I think I’ve ever seen up there too. A lonely teddy bear next to the binoculars. Someone is missing him very much.

From there I decided to head to a cafe I had seen online. The route looked pretty easy round the castle. Wrong. You had to go up to come back down again. By this point my legs are aching and they are protesting. They don’t want to move. Certainly not with any speed. Eventually, I found the cafe and on the door says ‘cash only’ and of course I have no cash. I have, however, just seen an ATM. Back up that f***ing hill. Back we come again and get settled in. Now you didn’t think it was just a normal cafe did you? Of course not.

My favourite bit was watching one of them swipe a man’s cheesecake the cheeky sod!

St Martins Cathedral was next on the list. It was very big and ornate. Sort of standard catholic cathedral interior.

Carrying on the religious theme, up next was The Blue Church. Does exactly what it says on the tin. Except its opening hours. The internet says it’s open until 5pm. It was closed. And it was NOT a short walk. Pictures through the window it was.

Just around the corner was a big old lovely building with a plaque on the door that said Gymnazium. I thought there’s no way that’s a gym. And then I went round the back. David Lloyd can suck it. It’s the poshest gym I’ve ever seen!

There was also this nearby. I’m not sure if it was the local gay club or whether Slovakian churches are really, really tolerant because this is super homoerotic!

I was pretty much limping by this point and knackered so I just headed to a burger place to spend the next couple of hours sitting down and writing this. I passed the Slovakian Walk of Fame on the way. Not quite as impressive as Hollywood.

You know what, I almost ended it there. I thought what else could happen on the way to the airport and on the flight? Well I’m glad I didn’t! I got a taxi to the airport and I kid you not he got pulled over by the police for speeding. Now of course I have no idea what was said between them but the officer goes to the van and comes back with a card machine! You just pay the fine there! Mental. It was €50.

I got all cocky at the airport thinking it was a super smooth journey through security and then the announcement of the delay came and it was only an hour but it felt like a day. By the time we had actually set off it was an hour and 40 minutes. The queueing was just silly. And then on the plane was also unbelievable. It’s like some people have never left the house. This one guy kept walking up and down the aisle even though the woman told him to sit down. She asked him where he was supposed to be sat and he said ‘well my wife is there is the extra leg room seats and I’m down there so I don’t know how that works?’ Cheeky swine. She told him to go back to his seat. Then again he was just hovering and she told him to sit down. And then AGAIN he wasn’t sat down and she said where are you sitting and he pointed at a completely different seat and said I think I’ll sit there. It’s not the local bus mate. Just sit where you’re told to! By this point everyone was laughing at him. I’m not sure if he knew but it wasn’t being hidden. I wasn’t hiding my disdain either. Botox wasn’t saving me this time. It does sod all for my voice box. A call back is usually a good note to end on and not much else happened after that so I’ll leave you there and see you for the next adventure!